When Your Child's Behavior Is Hard: Understanding the Why Behind Behavior and Responding With Both Connection and Boundaries

If you've ever looked at your child's behavior and thought, “What am I supposed to do right now?” you're not alone.

Maybe your child is melting down because you said no.

Maybe they're constantly interrupting.

Maybe transitions seem impossible.

Maybe they're hitting, yelling, refusing, running away, or becoming completely overwhelmed by something that seems small to everyone else.

And sometimes, as parents, our first thought is:

How do I make this stop?

But what if we started with a different question?

What is this behavior telling me?

That was one of the biggest themes in my recent conversation with Brighid Gavin, BCBA, LBA, on Parenthood Unscripted.

Brighid has spent more than 20 years working with children and families in a variety of roles, including special education, behavior consultation, and supporting children with autism, ADHD, intellectual disabilities, and mental health diagnoses. She's also a mom of three.

And one of the things I loved most about our conversation was that she didn't talk about behavior as something we simply need to "fix."

Instead, we talked about understanding it.

Behavior is a pattern, not a character flaw

Brighid originally became interested in behavior analysis while earning her master's degree in early childhood special education.

What caught her attention was the science behind behavior, specifically, understanding the environmental factors and patterns that contribute to why someone behaves the way they do.

That perspective can be incredibly helpful for parents.

Because when our child's behavior is challenging, it's very easy to make it personal.

Why won't they listen?

Why are they doing this again?

What am I doing wrong?

Why does it seem like every other child can handle this?

But behavior isn't necessarily a reflection of who your child is.

And it certainly isn't a reflection of whether you are a "good" or "bad" parent.

Instead, behavior gives us information.

We can start looking at what happened before the behavior, what happened during it, and what happened afterward.

That can help us understand the pattern.

And once we understand the pattern, we have more information about what our child may actually need.

Sometimes behavior is communication

One of the pieces of this conversation that really connected with me as an SLP was the relationship between communication and behavior.

Brighid explained that when a child doesn't have the language or communication skills to express what they want or need, we may see an increase in challenging behaviors.

For example, imagine a child wants a toy but doesn't know how to ask for it.

The behavior might be grabbing.

Or hitting.

Or crying.

Or screaming.

The behavior isn't necessarily random.

There may be a very real message underneath it:

"I want that."

"Help me."

"I don't know how to tell you what I need."

This doesn't mean we ignore unsafe behavior.

It doesn't mean we allow hitting or other aggression.

It means we can address the behavior while also teaching the skill that allows the child to communicate what they need.

That distinction matters.

We're not simply trying to suppress the behavior.

We're trying to help the child develop a more effective way to communicate.

Understanding behavior doesn't mean having no boundaries

This was another part of our conversation that I really loved.

Sometimes parents hear phrases like "gentle parenting" and worry that it means there are no boundaries.

But that's not what Brighid described.

You can validate your child's feelings and hold a boundary.

You can say:

"I know you're upset that you can't have candy for dinner."

And also:

"Candy isn't available right now. We can have it after dinner."

Both things can be true.

Your child is allowed to be disappointed.

And you're still allowed to say no.

Your child can be angry.

And the boundary can remain.

Your job isn't necessarily to make sure your child never experiences frustration.

Sometimes our job is to help them learn that they can experience frustration and get through it.

"No" doesn't have to be the end of the conversation

One practical strategy Brighid shared was giving children information about when something will be available.

Instead of simply:

"No candy."

You might say:

"Candy isn't available before dinner. You can have it after dinner."

Or:

"We're not going to the park today. We can go tomorrow."

This doesn't mean your child won't be upset.

They might still cry.

They might still protest.

They might still have a meltdown.

And that's okay.

Validation isn't the same thing as giving in.

Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is acknowledge that our child is disappointed while still holding the boundary.

Your child is allowed to be upset

This is hard.

Really hard.

Especially when you're standing in the grocery store and your child is melting down.

Or you're already late.

Or you're exhausted.

Or everyone is looking at you.

Our instinct can be to make the distress stop as quickly as possible.

But Brighid talked about the importance of being able to hold a boundary even when our child is upset.

That doesn't mean we ignore their distress.

It means we don't necessarily need to eliminate every uncomfortable feeling.

Our children are allowed to be disappointed.

They're allowed to be frustrated.

They're allowed to not like our answer.

And we can be there with them while they experience those feelings.

But what about when the behavior is developmentally appropriate?

This is another question parents ask all the time:

Is this actually a problem, or is this just what five-year-olds do?

And honestly, sometimes it's hard to know.

Brighid talked about how much of her work involves helping parents understand what is developmentally appropriate.

A behavior can be incredibly frustrating and still be developmentally appropriate.

Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

Your child refusing to leave the playground may be developmentally expected.

That doesn't mean you have to stay at the playground forever.

Your child crying because you said no may be developmentally expected.

That doesn't mean the answer has to change.

Your child testing boundaries may be developmentally expected.

That doesn't mean there shouldn't be boundaries.

The goal isn't to make every developmentally appropriate behavior disappear.

The goal is to understand where your child is developmentally and figure out what support they need to be successful.

You know your child better than anyone

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was Brighid's reminder that there isn't a single parenting strategy that works for every child.

Even though she has extensive professional experience with behavior, she talked openly about how different her own children are and how differently she has had to parent them.

That matters.

Because sometimes parenting advice can make us feel like we're doing something wrong if a strategy doesn't work.

"This worked for my child."

"Try this."

"You just need to be consistent."

"You need to do X."

But your child isn't the same as someone else's child.

Their temperament is different.

Their communication skills are different.

Their sensory needs may be different.

Their developmental level is different.

Their environment is different.

Their history is different.

And you know them.

The goal isn't to find the magic parenting strategy.

It's to understand your child.

Proactive strategies can make a difference

Brighid shared several strategies that parents can begin thinking about at home.

Give choices

Choices can give children a sense of control while still keeping you in control of the overall expectation.

Instead of:

"Get dressed."

You might offer:

"Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?"

Or:

"Do you want to clean up the blocks or the Legos?"

The expectation remains.

But your child gets some ownership over how they meet it.

Hold the boundary

If you say no, try to follow through.

This can be incredibly difficult when your child is upset.

But if the boundary changes every time your child escalates, they may learn that escalating changes the outcome.

Holding a boundary doesn't mean being harsh.

You can be calm.

You can validate.

You can acknowledge the frustration.

And you can still hold the boundary.

Use reinforcement intentionally

Brighid also talked about the difference between reinforcement and bribery.

For example, offering a reward before an expected situation can help a child understand what behavior will lead to reinforcement.

"If we keep our hands and feet to ourselves at the farm, you'll earn a sticker."

That's different from offering a reward in the middle of a meltdown in an attempt to make the behavior stop.

The difference is in the contingency and when the plan is introduced.

Notice the good

This might have been my favorite strategy from the entire conversation.

Look for what your child is doing right.

As parents, our brains can become very good at noticing what is going wrong.

They're interrupting.

They're not listening.

They're running.

They're fighting.

They're refusing.

They're yelling.

But how often are we intentionally noticing the moments when things are going well?

"I love how you waited."

"You were really gentle with your brother."

"You stayed right next to me in the parking lot."

"You got dressed even though you didn't want to."

"I noticed that you stopped and listened."

These moments matter.

And over time, intentionally looking for the good can actually change what we notice as parents.

Instead of constantly scanning for the next problem, we begin noticing the moments when our children are succeeding.

And parents need support, too

One of the things I appreciated most about Brighid's approach was how much she emphasized that parents should not feel judged when they're asking for help.

Sometimes families reach out because they're completely overwhelmed.

Maybe their child is "perfect" at school but struggling significantly at home.

Maybe extended family members don't believe what they're experiencing.

Maybe they've tried everything they can think of.

Maybe they're embarrassed.

Maybe they feel like asking for help means admitting they've failed.

It doesn't.

Asking for support isn't failure.

Sometimes we simply need another person to help us see the pattern.

Sometimes we need someone to help us figure out what our child is communicating.

Sometimes we need someone to help us identify the skill that needs to be taught.

And sometimes we need someone to remind us:

You're not alone.

You don't have to be a perfect parent

This may have been the biggest takeaway for me personally.

Brighid and I both talked openly about the fact that having professional knowledge doesn't mean our own homes are perfectly calm all the time.

We have meltdowns.

We have hard days.

We lose our patience.

We try something that worked yesterday and doesn't work today.

That's parenthood.

One difficult moment doesn't define you.

One meltdown doesn't define your child.

And one strategy failing doesn't mean you have failed.

Tomorrow is another day.

You can start again.

You can try something different.

You can ask for help.

You can learn more about your child.

And you can keep building that relationship.

Because ultimately, the goal isn't to raise children who never struggle.

It's to help our children develop the skills, communication, confidence, and support they need to navigate those struggles.

And sometimes that starts with taking a breath and asking a different question:

What is my child trying to tell me?

Listen to the conversation

In this episode of Parenthood Unscripted, Brighid Gavin and I talk about behavior, communication, boundaries, reinforcement, developmentally appropriate behavior, parenting strategies, and what it looks like to support our children without feeling like we have to "fix" them.

You can find Brighid at Childhood Behavior Solutions and connect with her for parent coaching and behavior support.