Why the Best Parent Advocates Don't Fight Harder. They Collaborate Better

If you've ever left an IEP meeting replaying every word in your head…

If you've ever walked into a doctor's appointment already preparing for a battle…

Or if you've ever worried about being labeled "that parent" simply because you're trying to do what's best for your child…

I want you to know something.

You're not alone.

As parents, advocating for our children is one of the hardest things we'll ever do. It's deeply personal because we're not discussing policies, accommodations, or therapy goals in the abstract. We're talking about our child. The person we love more than anything.

That means emotions naturally come along for the ride.

But one of the biggest mindset shifts I've experienced as both a speech-language pathologist and a mom is this: The goal of advocacy isn't to win the argument. The goal is to help your child.

That was one of the many powerful themes that came out of my conversation with Dr. Anne McIntosh on this week's episode of Parenthood Unscripted.

And honestly, it's something I wish every parent could hear.

The Trap So Many Parents Fall Into

When our child isn't getting what they need, our protective instincts kick in immediately.

We become Mama Bear.

We research every law.

We print every article.

We make lists.

We prepare for every possible objection.

None of those things are wrong.

In fact, preparation is incredibly important.

Where we often get stuck is believing that we have to fight in order to be heard.

We start seeing the meeting as us versus them.

Parents versus teachers.

Families versus doctors.

Advocates versus administrators.

And before anyone has even sat down at the table, everyone is already wearing armor.

The problem?

When people feel attacked, they naturally become defensive.

That doesn't make them bad people.

It makes them human.

One of my favorite moments from our conversation was when Dr. Anne said: "When someone says, 'Let's work together,' my defenses are down."

Isn't that true for all of us?

Think about your own life.

If someone walks into a conversation pointing fingers, you're probably preparing your defense before they've even finished speaking.

But if someone comes to you and says,

"I've noticed something. Can we solve this together?"

The entire conversation changes.

As a Parent...I Understand Both Sides

One of the things I often tell parents is that I have a unique perspective because I've lived both sides.

I've sat at the table as the speech-language pathologist.

I've also sat at the table as the mom.

I've been the professional writing goals, collecting data, and collaborating with school teams.

I've also been the parent lying awake at night wondering if my son was getting everything he needed.

I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed.

To feel emotional.

To feel like no one understands your child the way you do.

But I also know what it's feels like to be the professional on the receiving end of a conversation.

Most teachers, therapists, and service providers genuinely care.

They're often juggling enormous caseloads, limited resources, and systems they didn't create.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't advocate.

It simply means we can advocate without assuming bad intentions.

That shift alone changes everything.

Curiosity Is More Powerful Than Accusation

One of the practical strategies Dr. Anne shared was replacing accusations with curiosity.

Instead of saying:

"You aren't supporting my child."

Try asking:

"Here's what I'm noticing at home. What are you seeing at school?"

That question opens the door instead of slamming it shut.

It communicates that you're looking for information, not looking for someone to blame.

As parents, we only see one piece of our child's day.

Teachers see another.

Therapists see another.

Doctors see another.

When everyone shares their perspective, we get a much clearer picture of what our child truly needs.

That collaboration leads to better solutions than either side could have created alone.

One Lesson That Changed My Own Parenting

During the episode, I shared something that surprised me when I looked back on my own journey with my son.

When he was younger, I was incredibly black-and-white about communication.

If someone wanted to communicate with him, I believed they needed to sign.

Period.

Looking back, I understand where that came from.

I was navigating grief.

Acceptance.

Advocacy.

Fear.

I wanted to protect him.

But over time, I realized something important.

The goal isn't to force everyone to communicate one specific way.

The goal is communication.

Sometimes that's ASL.

Sometimes it's writing.

Sometimes it's texting.

Sometimes it's gestures.

Sometimes it's technology.

If communication is happening, we've succeeded.

That realization didn't make me a weaker advocate.

It made me a better one.

Sometimes the Strongest Thing You Can Do Is Ask for Help

This part of the conversation really resonated with me.

Dr. Anne talked about something that parents don't hear often enough.

Sometimes you aren't the best person to lead the conversation.

That doesn't mean you care less.

It doesn't mean you've failed.

It simply means your emotions are understandably too close to the situation.

She suggested practicing difficult conversations with someone you trust.

Role-playing.

Getting feedback.

Even bringing someone else to the meeting to speak on your behalf if needed.

I loved this because I actually encourage many of the families I work with to do the same.

As the SLP in many meetings, I'll often tell parents:

"If you need me to jump in, send me a message in the Zoom chat."

Sometimes all parents need is someone who can say exactly what they're thinking but without the emotion that's understandably attached.

There's no shame in needing support.

In fact, it's one of the smartest advocacy strategies you can use.

Advocacy With Grace Isn't About Being Passive

This is something I teach inside my Advocacy Accelerator, and it's a phrase that comes up over and over again:

Advocacy with Grace.

Sometimes people hear that and assume it means being agreeable.

Being quiet.

Avoiding conflict.

It doesn't.

Advocacy with grace is still advocacy.

It means asking hard questions.

Requesting accommodations.

Holding systems accountable.

Speaking up when something isn't working.

The difference is how we do it.

We prepare.

We regulate our emotions.

We lead with curiosity.

We listen.

We collaborate.

We stay focused on the shared goal instead of getting caught up in winning individual battles.

Because at the end of the day, our child doesn't benefit when the adults in the room are fighting each other.

They benefit when everyone is working together.

My Biggest Takeaway

There was one thing Dr. Anne said that has stayed with me long after we stopped recording.

She talked about asking herself:

"Am I trying to win this battle...or am I trying to win the war?"

That question stopped me in my tracks.

The battle is today's meeting.

Today's disagreement.

Today's email.

The war, the mission, is helping your child become successful.

Sometimes those are two very different things.

When we keep the long game in mind, it becomes easier to pause, regulate our emotions, ask better questions, and build relationships that will ultimately serve our children far better than any argument ever could.

And that's the kind of advocacy I want to model, not just for my children, but for every parent I have the privilege of working with.

If this conversation resonated with you, I hope you'll listen to my full conversation with Dr. Anne McIntosh on this week's episode of Parenthood Unscripted.

In the episode, we also discuss:

• Navigating marriage and parenting in a Deaf-hearing household

• Why communication should be strengths-based instead of deficit-focused

• How clear masks improve healthcare communication for everyone, not just Deaf and hard of hearing individuals

• Practical accommodations parents can request in schools and medical settings

• Strategies for advocating confidently without becoming overwhelmed

I truly believe this is one of those conversations that will leave you feeling more equipped, more confident, and more hopeful the next time you walk into a difficult meeting.

I'd love to hear from you:

What's one lesson you've learned about advocating for your child that you wish you'd known sooner?